Descent into Madness: or, an Interview in Underland

In honour of PLAYING HEARTS‘ publication this week, I’ve arranged a rather special interview! With me today are Hatter, Hare, and Dormy; sans tea-table but fully supplied with tea and crumpets.

 

PLAYING HEARTS BOOK COVER-picmonkeyW.R. [addresses all three]: Good afternoon! It’s lovely to have you with me today!

Hatter: It can’t be afternoon. We haven’t had our morning tea yet. You’ll have to rewind.

W.R.: Er…Good morning?

Hatter: Better. Better, butter. Butter! Who took the butter? I must get on with the crumpets or we’ll be late.

Hare: YOU WILL GET NOTHING FROM ME, MADAM, BUT NAME, EAR LENGTH, AND HAT SIZE.

Dormy: SNOOOOOOooooaaaaaaaaAAAARK!

W.R.: I’m sorry, what did you say?

Hatter: He didn’t say anything. He’s snoring.

W.R.: No, I mean the Hare. Name, ear length, and hat size…?

Hatter: He thinks you’re a minion of the queen.

W.R.: Why would I be a minion of the queen?

Hatter: Prestige, power, scones…

Hare: HARE, ELEVEN INCHES NINEPENCE, FOUR AND THREE QUARTERS.

W.R.: Um. Thanks.

Dormy: SNOOOOOOooooaaaaaaaaAAAARK!

W.R. [addresses Hatter]Your hat is a rather special one, I hear. Can you tell us about it?

Hatter: Yes.

W.R.:

Hatter:

W.R.: Um. Your hat? You were going to tell us about it?

Hatter: No I wasn’t.

W.R. [narrows eyes]: You just said you could tell us about it.

Hatter [sniffs]: Can and will are two different things. You should be more precise.

W.R. [considers a very precise method of informing the Hatter what a prat he is]: Perhaps the Hare would care to answer a question or two?

Hatter: Perhaps.

Dormy: SNOOOOOOooooaaaaaaaaAAAARK!

W.R.[addresses Hare]: I see you have a crutch.

Hare: I SEE YOU HAVE A BIG NOSE.

W.R.[tries to hide nose behind hand]: Well, yes, but—I mean, you’re missing a front paw, not a back leg. Why do you need a crutch? Isn’t it inconvenient?

Hare: WELL, WHY DO YOU NEED A NOSE AS BIG AS THAT? DOES IT HELP YOU SMELL BETTER?

W.R.: No. That’s why I take showers.

Hare [fixed stare]:…

W.R. [fixed glare]:…

Hare: HAVE A CUP OF TEA. IT’S NOT POISONED.

W.R. [takes teacup]: Thaaaanks. Back to your crutch. When did you get it?

Hare: NOT EVEN A SMIDGE OF BATTERY ACID.

W.R. [puts teacup down]: What do you know about battery acid? You come from a pre-electric paradigm.

Hare: WE HAD A LOOK AT YOUR CAR. IT WAS BROKEN.

W.R.: My car wasn’t broken!

Hare: WE FIXED IT FOR YOU. WE ACCEPT PAYMENT IN TEA AND CRUMPETS.

W.R.: But you don’t know anything about car electronics!

Hare: YES, AND IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT. THAT MEANS IT’S WORTH A LOT OF TEA AND CRUMPETS.

W.R.: What did you do to my car!?

Hatter: Well, it has wheels, after all. Worst comes to worst, you can always get behind it and push. Good exercise for you.

W.R. [groans]: Never mind. I’m sure it can’t be as bad as all that.

Dormy [blinks and sits up, yawning]

W.R. [looks relieved]: Oh, lovely! Dormy, you’re awake! I have so many questions I’d like to ask you!

Dormy: Meep!

W.R. [clears throat]So: you’re usually asleep in the teapot that Mabel uses to get into Underland. Can you tell me why you like to sleep in tea dregs? It seems like a rather uncomfortable place for a nap.

Dormy: Meep!

W.R.: Right. Um. But the teapot? Why is it such a favourite with you?

Dormy: Meep!

W.R. [addresses Hatter and Hare]Have I offended him? Or does he not care for questions?

Hatter: He’s a dormouse.

Hare: A DORMOUSE, MADAM.

W.R.: Yes, I know. What’s that got to do with it?

Hatter & Hare [stare at W.R.]:…

Hatter: Dormice don’t talk.

Hare: IS SHE MENTALLY DEFICIENT?

Hatter [sotto voce]: Back away slowly. Maybe she won’t notice.

W.R. [pinches bridge of nose and sighs]: You know what? I think we’re done.

Hare: RUN FOR IT, HATTER, SHE’S GETTING UP!

W.R. [indignant]: Oh, for Pete’s sake! Come back here, you two!

Dormy: Meep!

W.R.: You left Dormy behind, you mad little oiks! Now what am I supposed to do? I haven’t got a teapot big enough for him!

***

Well, that’s it. I’m off to find out what they’ve done to my car. If you want to see more of Hatter and Hare, you can get PLAYING HEARTS by clicking the link… 

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